杂 文 三 题

文/张玉庭（河北）

小 心 “ 不 是 东 西 ” 的 错 误

       “外国的月亮比中国的圆。”这是盲目崇外者的口头禅。

       “外国的秃头都比中国的月亮亮！”则是地道的洋奴腔，说这话的人，软骨症太甚，精神上的钙质太少了。

       其实，老外也学咱中国人。如赫赫有名的卡夫卡，就对中国庄子笔下的“庄生梦蝶”感慨备至。那故事说，庄生做梦变成了蝴蝶，梦醒后陷入了困惑：究竟是我变成了蝴蝶，还是蝴蝶变成了我？的确，这故事意味深长，使卡夫卡顿生灵感，于是让他笔下的一个推销员变成了大甲虫，并从此陷入了困顿，备受折磨，直到悲惨地死去，这便是世界名著《变形记》的基本情节。你看，在中国人的笔下，人变成了蝴蝶，在卡夫卡的笔下，人变成了大甲虫，显然，这老外是从咱中国人的故事中汲取营养的。

       既然如此，为什么非要说我等中国人处处不如老外呢？事实是，各民族之间总是互相学习的，当我们学习老外时，那老外也在学习我们，北京上海等许多地方的高校，不就常年接待来自东洋西洋的留学生吗？

       学，要学其精华并力求消化，亦步亦趋地处处学老外，恨不的放屁也带点洋味，我看大可不必。同样，如果老外非要按中国的葫芦画外国的瓢，也难免画成四不象。笔者就曾听说过这样一个故事，一个老外在中国学了三年，对中国的语言文字佩服至极，便在回国后绘声绘色地对他的弟子说：“中国人语言丰富，常常把没有生命但可以用的物体称为东西。比如，汽车是东西，轮船是东西，飞机是东西，再比如，我就不是东西！肯定不是东西！”天！一个盲目崇拜中国语言的老外，居然大声疾呼自已不是“东西”，这究竟是喜剧呢？还是悲剧呢？

       说穿了，悲剧喜剧并无绝对的界限，“学而有所得”，当然可喜可贺，“学而不得当”，则难免丢乖出丑。人们，当您学习老外时，请千万别犯这种“不是东西”的错误。

如 果 点 错 了 鸳 鸯 谱　

       杜甫是唐代诗圣，伍子胥是春秋时楚人，如果让杜甫娶伍子胥，定会被人称为风马牛。

       可是且慢，冯梦龙的《祠庙》一文却分明记载着这段古怪婚姻的来龙去脉：温州有座杜拾遗庙（杜拾遗即杜甫）不料竟被无知者理解为“杜十姨”庙，有多事者还在庙内塑了一位妇人的像，致使杜甫一下子成了窈窕女子；更有无知且“好心”者认定，既然附近另一座庙中的伍撮须相公没有妻子，便索性将杜十姨像移了过去，许配给伍撮须相公做了娘子——这伍撮须，便是春秋时楚国的伍子胥。

       让杜甫与伍子胥成婚，其大谬令人吃惊瞠目，乱点鸳鸯谱且乱到如此地步，更是令人叹为观止。

       巧的是与友人闭聊，笔者居然听到了一则类似的现代幽默：我国著名科学家蒋筑英和罗健夫皆须眉男子，英年早逝后，报上曾发表了不少歌之颂之挽之惜之的文章，人们也唏嘘声声，对他们的溘然而去深表遗憾。有两位浅薄的女士明明不知蒋罗为何人，却偏偏要附庸风雅，便在大庭广众中海侃，一个说：“蒋筑英真不简单，真不愧我们女中豪杰！”殊不料另一个答的更奇：“那当然，要不她怎么嫁个老外叫罗健夫呢！”

       天！凡“英”皆女性，凡“夫”皆老外，这是多么奇怪的逻辑，如果冯梦龙有知，定会笑掉下巴的。

       如此看来，荒唐之辈不仅古代有之，且至今连绵不绝兵强马壮。

       荒唐者何？乃是极度无知的一种表现形式，不是吗？从杜甫伍子胥的“婚配”到蒋筑英罗健夫的“姻缘”，其所以“顺理成章”，不都是因为无知者的胡说八道吗？

何 谓 趾 高 气 扬

       何谓趾高气扬？

       《伊索寓言》中的《毛驴》一篇似可做为答案。

       一次，毛驴驮着圣象走过大街，人们见到他的背上驮有圣象，便赶紧跪倒礼拜，毛驴看到人们对他如此毕恭毕敬，便错以为自已最最了不起。第二天，他的背上明明什么也没有驮，却偏要昂首阔步地在大街上走走来去，还故意碰碰这个撞撞那个，人们忍无可忍，大怒，狠狠地把他揍了一顿，可他直到这时还不明白，为什么昨天那么得意，而今天却这么狼狈？

       细想也该！谁让你趾高气扬来！

       于是进而想起一首古代的小令：“君子失时不失象，小人得志把肚壮，街前缧子学马走，到底还是驴子样。”（明 • 散曲 • 诵子令 • 驴儿样）

       那么，“小人得志”又是什么样？

       《史记  管晏列传》中的一个情节似可做为答案：晏子在齐国为相时，他的车夫总是春风得意，满脸目空一切的高傲样儿。一次，他的得意样儿被他的妻子从门缝中看见，便毫不客气地批评他：“你看人家晏子，身为一国之相，坐在车上一付谦恭的样儿，偏偏你这个破赶车的倒得意洋洋！”说着还提出要与他分手，使那个得意的丈夫听了十分尴尬。平心而论，这位车夫的妻子品味不俗，眼光也挺敏锐，一眼就能看穿得意是一种丑。

       确实，莫明其妙的得意肯定不是美。

       不信，请再细品上述故事中的毛驴。

       怪不得人们常用“蠢”字形容毛驴，原来答案在此。

Three topics of essay

Wen/Zhang Yuting (Hebei)

Be careful of "not something" mistakes

"The moon in foreign countries is more round than in China." This is the mantra of the blind worshippers.

"The bald heads of foreign countries are brighter than the moon of China!" It~q~s a genuine slave tune. Those who say this have too much cartilage disease and too little mental calcium.

In fact, foreigners also learn from us Chinese. If Kafka is well-known, he is deeply impressed by Zhuangzi~q~s "Dream Butterfly of Zhuangsheng" in China. The story tells us that Zhuangsheng~q~s dream turned into a butterfly. When he woke up, he was confused: Did I become a butterfly or a butterfly become me? Indeed, the story was so meaningful that it inspired Kafkarton that he turned one of his salesmen into a big beetle, and from then on he was trapped and tortured until his tragic death, which is the basic plot of the world famous book Metamorphosis. You see, in Chinese writings, people become butterflies, in Kafka~q~s writings, people become big beetles. Obviously, this foreigner draws nourishment from our Chinese story.

In this case, why do I have to say that Chinese people are not as good as foreigners everywhere? The fact is that all nationalities always learn from each other. When we study foreigners, they are also learning from us. Many universities in Beijing, Shanghai and other places do not receive foreign students from the East and the West all the year round?

Learning, to learn its essence and strive to digest, step by step to learn from foreigners, hate farting also bring a little foreign flavor, I think it is not necessary. Similarly, if foreigners have to draw foreign gourds according to Chinese gourds, they will inevitably draw four different images. The author has heard a story about a foreigner who has studied in China for three years and admires Chinese language and writing so much that he tells his disciples vividly after returning home: "Chinese people are rich in languages. They often refer to inanimate but usable objects as things. For example, cars are things, ships are things, airplanes are things. Again, I am not something!" It~q~s definitely not something!" God! A foreigner who blindly worshipped the Chinese language shouted that he was no longer "thing". Is this a comedy? Or tragedy?

To put it bluntly, there is no absolute boundary between tragedy and comedy. Of course, it is gratifying to learn and get something out of it. It is inevitable to make a fool out of it if you don~q~t learn properly. People, when you study foreigners, please don~q~t make such "not something" mistakes.

If the dot is wrong, the Mandarin Duck Spectrum

Du Fu was a poet of the Tang Dynasty, and Wu Zixu was a Chu man in the Spring and Autumn Period. If Du Fu was allowed to marry Wu Zixu, he would be called Feng Ma Niu.

But slowly, Feng Menglong~q~s Ancestral Temple clearly records the origin and development of this strange marriage: there is a Du Shiyi Temple (Du Shiyi is Du Fu) in Wenzhou unexpectedly understood by the ignorant as "Du Shiyi" temple, and many people have also sculpted a woman~q~s image in the temple, which makes Du Fu a slim woman at once; the more ignorant and "kind-hearted" people believe that since another one nearby. In the temple, Wu Qixu Xianggong had no wife, so he simply moved Aunt Du Shi to the past and allowed Wu Qixu to be a wife, which was Wu Zixu of Chu in the Spring and Autumn Period.

To marry Du Fu and Wu Zixu, the fallacy is astonishing. It is even more astonishing to have a random number of Mandarin ducks.

Coincidentally, when I closed my conversation with my friends, I actually heard a similar modern humour: Jiang Zhuying and Luo Jian-fu, two famous scientists in China, both had a man~q~s eyebrows. After their early death, many articles about the pity of singing praises were published in the newspapers, and people also booed and shocked, expressing deep regret for their loss. Two shallow ladies, who clearly did not know who Jiang Luo was, but preferred to be subordinate and elegant, laughed in the public. One said, "Jiang Zhuying is really not simple. She really deserves our heroine!" Unexpectedly, another answer was even more strange: "Of course, how else would she marry a foreigner named Rodgenf?"

God! It is a strange logic that all "British" are women and all "husbands" are foreigners. If Feng Menglong knew it, he would laugh off his chin.

In this way, the absurd generation not only existed in ancient times, but also continues to be strong.

What is ridiculous? It~q~s a form of extreme ignorance, isn~q~t it? From Du Fu Wu Zixu~q~s "marriage" to Jiang Zhuying-Luojian~q~s "marriage", it~q~s not all because of the ignorant~q~s nonsense.

What is arrogance?

What is arrogance?

The Donkey in Aesop~q~s Fables seems to be the answer.

Once, the donkey walked down the street with the sacred elephant on his back. When people saw the sacred elephant on his back, they knelt down and worshiped. When the donkey saw that people were so respectful to him, he mistakenly thought that he was the greatest. The next day, he had nothing on his back, but he had to walk up and down the street with his head held high, and deliberately bumped into the bump. People could not bear it. They were furious and beat him severely. But until then, he did not understand why he was so proud yesterday, but today he is so awkward.

Think about it! Who makes you stand tall!

Then he remembered an ancient decree: "A gentleman is always like a donkey when he loses time. A young man is ambitious, and a young man is like a horse when he learns to walk in front of the street." (Ming Sanqu, Chanting Ziling, Donkey-like)

So, what is "small people get ambition"?

A plot in Shiji Guanyan Liezhuan seems to be the answer: When Yanzi was the Prime Minister of Qi State, his coachman was always proud of the spring breeze, with an air of arrogance on his face. Once, his proud manner was seen by his wife through the crack in the door, and he was not polite to criticize him: "You look at Yan Zi, as the Prime Minister of a country, sitting on the car with a modest look, you are so proud of this broken car!" He also offered to break up with him, which made the proud husband very embarrassed. To be fair, the coachman~q~s wife has a good taste and a keen eye. She can see at a glance that pride is an ugliness.

Indeed, vague pride is certainly not beauty.

Believe it or not, please rethink the donkey in the above story.

No wonder people often use the word "foolish" to describe donkeys, the original answer is here.

Editor in chief: Zhang Tonghui

总编：张同辉

张玉庭，执教于某高校中文系。安徽省作协会员，市作家协会文学顾问，《读者》杂志首批签约作家，出版小小说集《女教师的特异功能》、《爱情四重奏》，刊首语集《青春女神嫁给了谁》，文艺随笔集《美与趣》、《理与趣》、《情与趣》、《雅与趣》、《书中的红豆》、《点击智慧》，爱情美文集《醋溜男女》、《爱情麻辣烫》，幽默小品集《不妨幽它一默》，寓言集《会开花的故事》，童话集《男孩帅帅和老鹰秃秃》。主编小作家丛书 《小荷才露尖尖角》、《看我七十二变》、《梦，从这里起飞》、《神奇的童话树》等。有大量作品入选多种文集、语文教材、教辅用书、中考试卷等。